Shalom!!! and Shalom.

[S.O.Y.]

If you want to see what I had here then send me a private message. I don't like people reading about me and then not saying ONE WORD in return.

XXX (Signature editted at Poster's request -- hyssop)

I was going to just put what you see above and then I changed my mind and hit "BACK" so to keep what I first wrote. But I see that just hitting "BACK" didn't keep what I wrote. That is how it worked in other forums, but I guess if one hits "EDIT" and then hits "BACK" after changing what was in the post then it is changed.

I didn't save what I wrote because I thought it was going to be here. Well I need to write the thoughts I had all over and believe me they won't be the same as before because I can't think of all that I wrote.

Basically to me I have wasted most of my 42 years since I was old enough to make decisions on my own. I am the oldest of four. When I was 12 our dad took us kids from our mom while she was in Alcohol rehad. At the age of 15 I accepted Jesus Christ into my life, yet I was as the seed tossed in rocky ground and so went my own way. When I was 16 I went to Angel Civilian Job Corps Center in Oregon. I graduated with a GED and a Forestry Aide Conservation Worker Diploma when I was 17. The next couple years I just ran around doing this job and that job. When I was 19 I joined the U.S. Army and went to Germany for two years. After there for three months I was assigned as a driver for the Fire Support Officer because when I called fire in the field I got like a "hole in one" because the coordinates I gave hit the target with the first shell. After one year of being out of the Army I married a woman I met when I was 16 at a Pow-wow, which I was drunk on the phone when I proposed. We married when I was 23. When I was 25 I was sent to prison. When I was 27 I divorced my wife because it was obvious that she didn't want anything to do with me. I went to prison in 1985. I did start reading the Bible for the very first time in my whole life. After a couple years in prison I started to fervently Study the Bible while I was a clerk in V.T. Drafting as well as a student for the next 3 1/2 years. I also took college classes part-time. I was really doing something for the first time in my life and felt good about all that I was doing. I looked for a Christian College so that when I was released I would attend. I was accepted at a Christian College, I was very happy. After a few more letters back and forth and just before I was getting out of prison I recieved a letter from them saying that I couldn't go to their college because of my felonies which I mentioned in a letter to them. I was hurt. I didn't study the Bible with the same fervor like before at this point, I was angry at G_D. Again I see this like I was seed cast upon rocky soil. After being released in 1991 I went to the college I took courses while in prison. I took a full-time year of EET in 1992. Then the Pell grant ran out and I had a loan already and didn't know where to turn so as to complete a degree in EET. Oh I forgot one amazing thing that happened. That was that my dad moved to Salem, Oregon a year or so before I was sent to prison which was in Salem, Oregon. I bought my first computer in 1992, a 486DX 33Mhz tower with the optional CD-ROM drive, because I figured I needed it, through a store card. I have always felt I am Institutionalized(meaning I don't function like a normal human being and therefore can't take care of myself because of being so dependant on others for 6 years). I have only cooked like 100 meals since I was released from prison and have only been living by myself for maybe 1 year. All other times there has been someone there. Well I don't count cooking oatmeal in a microwave as cooking or making a bowl of wheaties either, or even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In 1995, my dad moved to the Philippines with his brother and married a Philipino younger then my youngest sister. Around this time I have talked with my sister much since she has visited me in prison as well. Many memories of when I was younger came up as well. I found out from many sources of family and relatives that most of my dad's brothers as well as him have molested most of us kids, sisters and cousins. I myself was molested for the first time when I was 7 years old. This is very painful. And also my dad's father was a womanizer and molester as well. I don't know how far back this went but I tell you even my sister's oldest son did molest a young girl after my sister lost all her 5 kids to the State of Oregon a couple years ago. This being just after her husband admitted to the Police that he was teaching their boys how to masturbate. After that my sister went off the wall and ended up at a party where she met some guy and drank with him and adventually had sex with him. He was 17 at the time. So now my sister has lost her kids for good. When she lost her kids I would go down to visit her and help her out. That is when I had a job and a running vehicle. Well last September I was laid off and just before that in August my truck broke down. So I couldn't go visit her anymore and couldn't help at all. My youngest sister and I were closer then any of the others in our family. All this has been a very painful part of my life as well. When I was in prison I used to write her and even my dad and send them scriptures I felt would lift them up and bring them right with G_D. My dad was going to a church with his second wife and her kids. Which often I wondered if he molested them as well. After my dad divorced her we shared a place together after I got out of prison since I didn't have any place to go. Of course I brought this up with him and he denies it. I don't have any proof, just a memory when I was 7 of a man coming into my room and molesting me which I only remember the once. When I was 12 my favorite uncle offered his wife to me which I turned him down to his face, but later I did behind his back. What a sick thing to grow up into. Like father like son. Like uncle like nephew. What an upbringing, how sad it is when you become as your elders were. Yes I did go to prison and most of my life after prison I have thought I am a piece of SH** and who would care about me. And yes I have had reactions of Judgemental people who call themselves Christian. So most of my friends since then have been Non-believers and why not, they accepted me even knowing my past. Anyone I am close to I don't want to hide my past from them. Probably has to do with wanting to know if they are judgemental or not. Which believe me if a person will be judgemental because of someone's past and not accept them, I believe G_D won't accept them.

I have smoked cigarettes since I was 12. I did quit for 1 year while in prison. 11 weeks ago I quit smoking cannabis, drinking pepsi, gave my tv away, but my hair(1 Corinthians 11:14), and deleted all games off my computer, and I started searching for a fellowship intensely. I went to a couple churches in walking distance and didn't feel right in either one. I met someone on IRC in #christian channel and he said why not check out Messianic Judaism. I looked around and read and read and find that this is what I believe a Fellowship should be. Every time I would eat pork(when it was served for dinner) I would feel kinda sick. And ever since I read in the Tanakh about pork I always felt it was unclean. A week before last Shabbat I went to my first Messianic fellowship and I have to tell you that it was great. The first time I could sing a song of praise in hebrew(of course the words were up to be seen by all) and be able to say the words and I felt comfortable as well.

This is the second month I haven't had any money to pay rent and utilities to my housemate. And his girlfriend moved in a month ago. I feel I am interfering with their life and want to move. Also they don't believe, or rather it sure doesn't look like they do by the way they are living their lives. Yes me too. I meld to the people around me and I want to move. Yet I don't have a job and my truck has been broke down since last August. Many a time I just want G_D to take my life so I don't have to live in this misery I call a life. All my friends are non-believers which haven't come to visit in months. The job market is getting less and less for me because of my felonies. I get sick just looking through the classifieds. I see many jobs are saying "No felonies", "Background check" which I don't even want to talk with the employer about my past considering most will just throw my application in the trash after they find out, so I just don't even apply anywhere that asks. I have lost all confidence in myself to be able to do anything. I started to sort through all my stuff in the garage and then my housemates girlfriend moves in and well there isn't any room to in the garage anymore.

That is all for now.

Xxx (Signature editted at Poster's request -- hyssop)

[israelthebride]

Who are you today?

LOVE,

RICOEL

[S.O.Y.]

Hmm let me see... I am a man, no job, truck broke down, no close friends who believe as a Messianic, no girlfriend, no life.

Well I guess I am nothing in the world.

Shalom,

Xxx (Signature editted at Poster's request -- hyssop)

[beseder]

wow friend,

it look as if you are going through alot

and i agree, you do need people that will be of help to you.
Our past is just that- our past
we learn and build from them
if your past is your present then we need a change - and i know that is exactly whatyou are looking for.

I am in the same predicament
I can chose to either stay / or get kicked out of my house or just leave.
However, like this i literally have no place to go
I want to study languages in school- yet i need a job for it
However, no one is willing to hire just yet
I hope Ill get a job soon

we are all going through things.
I believe this is an affliction of ours for the truth that we wish to attain
we are the house of Ephraim and Manasseh including the other tribes of the north
the second witness
and so we must attain some kind of affliction as the first house of our brothers- the house of Judah- the first witness, that is still here with us since the first days

be well,
you will be with us soon.
and I will be with all of us soon
and we will be one
together as ONE COUNCIL(sanhedrin)
let us all individually fight for this.

Know that not just any messianic place is truth

Fight to be ONE and fight for the body
Fight for the future sanhedrin

be well friend
I love you
shalom

[Rovivrus2]

ShamashOfYeshua,

Hello. I read your story. You have been through a lot. My Dad, (Spying) would normally greet you, since he moderates this forum, but he is not able to write at this time. I wanted to invite you to read some of the other threads that I have written on, including "No faith", & "Two sides". There are also two incest threads that include a lot of information that relates to the struggles of your life. Those will have to be accessed by going to the bottom of the main menu and viewing threads from the past year, or so.

I'm wondering. How is it that you were lead to this forum? So much of the information in your story relates to the struggles in my family. You'll notice that my screen name is survivor--spelled backwards.

Keep walking, keep searching.

Peace,

Rovivrus2

[S.O.Y.]

Shalom beseder and Rovivrus2,

Thank you for your replies. Yes you to israelthebride.

I found this forum from someone from another forum. I can't remember who though. I think I found this forum from www.christianforums.com

For the past 12-13 weeks I have been searching for a fellowship. In my searches I met someone online in a chatroom #christian that is a Messianic believer. He said why not check Messianic Judaism out. So I looked and read and read some more and come to the conclusion that Messianic Judaism is what I think a fellowship should be. With Hebreic roots intact. Observing the Torah.

I have read through "No Faith" and really thought it was a Poem thread in which I posted the two poems Yeshua put on my heart this year. I have been on both sides of that horrible thing that lust of the flesh can do to family. The topic is one that is very hard for me to talk about since I crossed that line even though I was one that was introduced to it in my youth.

I do have something to say. Let us not take scripture out of context as I have seen. If someone is going to use scripture then show it all in context and high-light what you figure needs to be pointed out. The following is out of the The World English Bible: Messianic Edition

The Good News According to Matthew
18:1 In that hour the disciples came to Yeshua, saying, "Who then is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?"
2 Yeshua called a little child to himself, and set him in the midst of them,
3 and said, "Most certainly I tell you, unless you turn, and become as little children, you will in no way enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.
4 Whoever therefore humbles himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
5 Whoever receives one such little child in my name receives me,
6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him that a huge millstone should be hung around his neck, and that he should be sunk in the depths of the sea.
7 "Woe to the world because of occasions of stumbling! For it must be that the occasions come, but woe to that person through whom the occasion comes!
8 If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off, and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life maimed or crippled, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into the eternal fire.
9 If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into the Gehinnom of fire.
10 See that you don't despise one of these little ones, for I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
11 For the Son of Man came to save that which was lost.
12 "What do you think? If a man has one hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, doesn't he leave the ninety-nine, go to the mountains, and seek that which has gone astray?
13 If he finds it, most certainly I tell you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine which have not gone astray.
14 Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.
15 "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother.
16 But if he doesn't listen, take one or two more with you, that at the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the assembly. If he refuses to hear the assembly also, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.
18 Most certainly I tell you, whatever things you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever things you release on earth will have been released in heaven.
19 Again, assuredly I tell you, that if two of you will agree on earth concerning anything that they will ask, it will be done for them by my Father who is in heaven.
20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them."

I felt when I was arrested that my victims shouldn't go to court and so I confessed. I was given the max they could give. I can thank my ex-mother-in-law because she had power in the county I was arrested in. I didn't have intercourse with my victims who I touched yet I was charged with the Max.
I can say "sorry that you went through what you did" but would you believe my words since I was one who crossed that line. For the longest time I have wanted to just DIE and not exist anymore. Why? I would like for you to figure that one out. And I am not just talking to just one person, but the whole world of those who claim to be Followers of the Messiah Yeshua. You can take my words any way you figure. I just hope and pray that you will figure that I am not here to be Judge or Devils advocate. I just want to live a normal life which I have been denied since I was a child.

May the peace that transcends all understanding be with you,

Xxx (Signature editted at Poster's request -- hyssop)