Anger!

[Spying]

Hi Everyone,

As a young man it was my dream to enter the United States Military Academy at West Point. I never accomplished that dream. Circumstances turned me in a different direction. I did as a young man attend a prep boarding school away from my home and friends. I was 14 years old. I can recall leaving home traveling with my parents to this new school. I can recall how remote and lonely it felt to be away from my home and family and friends. I was really homesick the first couple of months. Gradually, I began to make a new friend with one of my classmates. Freshman were made to live with the seniors, and for all practical purposes the freshman were the slaves of the upperclassman. We lived by their rules. My particular senior roommate took great pleasure in grabbing me by the arm, and then he would fake hitting me in the shoulder. If I flinched, then he was given the opportunity to actually hit me. I flinched alot, and the hits hurt. All freshmen were subject to this type of hazing. Gradually, we became sophomores, and then the hazing ended for us.

This morning I am thinking about my nephews. I think of them alot on the Sabbath. I miss them. I know that they are homesick. I am angry about their circumstance. I pray that YAHWEH ELOHIM will give them favor with all those around them. They are good boys who have been made to flinch. Their hazing will also end.

Sincerely, Spying

[ROVIVRUS]

Dad,
I am angry too. It’s that same anger that comes from loss, the kind that eats away at you. It feels like when we found out that Grandpa disowned us. I just finished reading Explorer and DeAnna’s exchange on the other thread. Anytime I think I am anywhere near the things that DeAnna describes something like this hits me so hard. And I am aware that these are moments that are normal in all of this. Anger is a huge part of it. I am so sick of being called cold-hearted and “angry” and unforgiving. Those are all feelings that are normal for what we have been through. I know I have a right to be angry, and today is one of the days when I’m going to be.

Last night my little sister talked to Hyssop. Apparently Hyssop and ImAHebrew Knew that the boys were being taken away, and they drove out their that day and met X there to do it. I am shocked! And I will tell you why. My mom met with Hyssop’s wife the other day and they were discussing why X has not been asked to leave the church. Hyssop’s wife said that she didn’t feel that was right because he “needs” his church right now. She just doesn’t feel comfortable abandoning him right now. As my mom replied to her------But 14 and 15 year old boys don’t need their church, their siblings, their cousins, their support? I can’t believe they think a child molester needs his support as an adult more so than the children do. Aunt ****, you are a hypocrite! Hyssop’s wife also said that we will just have to wait and see what the trial says about what is “true” or not. This is my favorite comment. If he is found guilty they will be sobbing around with the “wrongly accused bit” and if he is found not guilty than it will be assumed that he surely is not a liar. Well, I will say right now ahead of time, that even when the trial is over, even if he is found not guilty, he will never be ready to talk about this. I’m not sure what his excuse will be when he is not involved legally anymore, but trust me, he will have an excuse. I do wish that they all would just “flee” to Canada so that I never had to hear another frustrating comment.

Anyway, I was originally talking about loss and the anger that accompanies it. Sorry, I just needed to vent. Here is a poem that I wrote a long time ago. (Not sure if I have put this one up before) You see, these hard days, they do keep reappearing at random. Thank you to anyone who prays for us, I believe it does help us through these times.


Hard Days
[A poem for my mother’s soul]
July 24, 2001

I feel so sorry for all of the children, that he betrayed and abused
I feel so sorry for the Church, and for every sad, pathetic excuse
I mourn the loss of loving relationships that are gone
I mourn the loss of all the things that have gone wrong
I hate seeing the pain in so many people’s eyes
I hate knowing that some of the survivors even wanted to die
I’m sick of denial, and those who refuse to believe
I’m sick of contradiction, ignorance, and the weak
I thought God gave these people some unique kind of spirit
I thought supporting the abuser?--they wouldn’t hear of it
I feel stupid that we trusted others with our memories and pain
I feel stupid that we did it, again and again
I don’t want my mom and dad to cry and to be cast aside
I don’t want my little brother to have his friends ripped from his side
I feel better when I’m mad, on the days when I’ve had enough
I feel better when I cry to this screen on these days that are so rough
I don’t want to hear the things they say, in the fantasy world their in
I don’t want to know that they continue to live in so much sin
Today I’m going to hate, to ease some of my pain
Tomorrow I will re-focus and put myself back together again


Rovivrus

[Spying]

Venting!

Hi Rovivus,

Boy, did it ever feel good to vent my anger. Yesterday, I felt like a pressure cooker. I know that you are too young to know what a pressure cooker is. Your mother rarely cooked with a pressure cooker, but my mother did! I can remember the sound of the steam venting.

I liked your poem. It is about your spiritual mother also.

Today, I am not so angry! Thanks!

Love, Spying